Intern and lab assistant Chester Berger discovered on Sunday, April 15, that the hottest substance on Earth was contained inside a popular lunch product, and not the quark-gluon plasma as previously recorded.
The discovery was made by Dr. Patrick Harris when Chester removed a popular Hot Pocket® brand snack from the microwave and proceeded to take a bite before waiting the recommended one minute “cool down” period as instructed on the package. Dr Harris explained:
“When food is heated in a microwave oven, electromagnetic radiation in the form of microwaves is pumped from a magnetron through the food, exciting water, sugar and fat molecules, heating it. Intern Berger’s biting of the Pocket before it could cool down exposed its molten nuclear core to the air, which resulted in a massive combustion chain reaction.”
Dr Harris went on to explain that the sudden exposure to the air caused the plasma center of the Hot Pocket® to ignite the intern’s teeth, causing his head to immolate in seconds. While the quark-gluon soup temperature was recorded to be roughly 4 trillion degrees fahrenheit, readings showed Berger’s head was a roasting 4.9 trillion.
“It seems really irresponsible to sell a product that can attain such temperatures, but the manufacturer did include the ‘wait 1 minute to allow cooling’ instruction for a reason. Seriously, ‘read the fucking manual’ as we like to say.”
A wake service will be held next week for the late lab assistant, who was buried in a closed-casket service, and the microwave oven has been renamed the “Chaz Berger Memorial Hot Plate.” “Chaz would appreciate the gesture.” said a fellow intern. “He loved microwaveable food, and I think he would be happy to know his death contributed so much to science.”
Chester is survived by a stuffed cat and a gerbil named Misty.