A study in behavioral psychology released today confirms what many of us have believed for years; people who give out change, toothpaste or fruit on Halloween are objectively awful people. In a study spanning North and South America and Western Europe, the University of Bonn and Harvard collaborated on a 5 year survey of people who give out dental equipment, loose change and fruit on Halloween and discovered that to a one, they are terrible humans.
"There is a wide variety of bad at work here, but they were consistently more shitty than the average person, we found." Said the head of the experiment, Harvard’s Wilhelm Hitler. The study found that the people fell into different categories depending on what they gave out. People who gave out change tended to be old and bitter, usually surrounded by cats and photos of long lost children. They were the saddest of those studied, as they were not outwardly awful, but projected an aura of pathetic loneliness that bummed trick-or-treaters out. One participant in the study, 8 year old Heather Naples reported "She smelled like ammonia but was nice. She smiled when she dropped eight cents into my bag and mom made me say ‘Thank you’ even though I was really let down by the shitty ‘treat’. I got sad later when I found the 3 pennies and nickel in my bag. It reminded me of how sad she seemed. I will probably throw them into the wishing well and wish that she has a stroke by next year. Then I won’t have to feel this way again." It was also pointed out that it takes a special kind of clueless prick to put one of the dirtiest things in the modern world (money) into a bag filled with food.
Conversely, people who gave out toothpaste, tooth brushes or packs of floss were “stuck up, self righteous dicks” the study concluded. Without fail they were either dentists or asshole teachers who expected kids to be grateful for the alternative to gum disease and the reminder that everything fun has consequences. “These were the kind of people who think a single uncarved pumpkin is adequate Halloween decoration, and typically wear a sweater with a collared button-down shirt around the house.” Other people that handed out tooth-cleaning equipment included librarians who glare at people who sneeze and grocery store managers that treat their job like they are responsible for defeating world hunger. “The data shows a sea of smug, self-affirming assholes in this column.”
The final group, the fruit givers (or in some case, snack-packs of baby carrots) tended to be a blend of the two previous, combining completely clueless hippy idiots giving out “nature’s candy” and smug dicks who think kids are too fat these days. “Studying the recordings of many of these people saying ‘Happy Halloween’ revealed a layer of sarcasm that implied that they knew what they were handing out was bullshit no one wanted, and that it was done out of hidden spite.” It was also pointed out that fruit is likely the easiest thing to slip razor blades or poison into, so in the words of the head of the Bonn leg of the study, “Double-fuck fruit.”
The most highly recommended way of dealing with these people was making sure you remember what house they were and siply avoiding it at all costs, regardless of the time of year. “It’s not just Halloween that these people suck. We’ve found that during the other 364 days of the year, they follow the same annoying patterns of cluelessness or arrogant prickishness.”
Conversely, the study also showed that people who handed out full sized, or even king-sized candy bars were much more likely to be the kind of people you’d want to hang out with. “To a one, they seemed to be pretty cool, generous and easy to talk to.”
Phase two of the experiment will be a free smartphone app that will identify the houses of shitty treat givers so they can be avoided/egged.
Professor Hitler also commented on a recent new category; the note giver. “This bitch is like the Halloween treat version of MRSA; a more intensely shitty version of something that is already awful.” he said referring to the Fargo woman who declared she’d be giving out notes aimed at preventing obesity. “For a lot of kids, this is the only crap food they get all year. Quit being such a fucking buzkill.”