Mental Illness Real Cause of Shooting Deaths, NRA Study Finds


A report released today by the NRA states what the NRA has been saying all along, guns don’t kill people, mentally ill people do. The study collected data from hundreds of shootings countrywide and found an amazing trend; bullets were determined ineffective when trying to kill humans, but that mental illness caused severe blood loss and trauma when aimed at innocent people and police officers.

"It’s what we’ve been saying for years." Said NRA President and Science expert Wayne LaPierre "Mental illness is the problem. Our data showed that when the deranged individuals entered public areas, their illness was coalesced into physical form, ‘bullets’ of crazy if you will, and shattered the lives and bodies of their victims. The same data shows that the guns they carried would have rather been wielded good guys in the crowd, who unlike the mentally ill, could have used to weapon as it was intended, to safely protect the innocent."

In concert with the physical harm mass shooters’ mental illness caused, the study also found that the “gunshots” that the liberal media assumed caused the injuries was really the firearm harmlessly discharging shells in fear. Those same weapons, in the hands of the non-insane, form a protective barrier that actually blocks the blasts of psychic madness that the average shooter “fires” at their “victims.” Conversely, had the weapons been fired AT the gunmen, they would have saved lives by killing the nut-case with massive body trauma and bleeding.

"If we outlaw guns, then only outlaws will be able to shield themselves with life-protecting weapons while raining down psychic death on an innocent populace." When asked about people in other countries, the NRA scientists explained that they are simply lying about who actually has guns. "The average German or Frenchman has between 5 and 20 guns on them at all times. The crazies know better than to attack them with their mental onslaught. They just don’t want us to know that. I blame the Democrats for filing our ears with lies about how stricter gun laws in other countries keep their populace safer. How do you think Germany ran all the Nazis out of the country and into Brazil? You think Hitler would hesitate a second to storm back over Poland if he didn’t think they were armed to the teeth?"

"We’re using science to help explain why we’re so fiercely defensive about the 2nd Amendment." said Professor LaPierre. "Guns are necessary to defend ourselves against the insane and from people with darker skin in hoodies that are outside walking at night. We’re suggesting legislation to limit the right of the crazy, the slightly mentally abnormal, and the potentially not just like us. The constitution doesn’t protect one’s right to think. That thought could be dangerous, especially if it winds up in the hands of someone angry who wants to make others suffer or die because they are selfish or unreasonably frustrated. That can cause instant-onset insanity, which can kill."

The NRA is hoping IOI (Instant-Onset Insanity) is included in the next version of the DSM to explain why mass killings take place in America.

Data Suggests USA Not Indicative Of Entire Planet


A recently published study suggests that just because something is one way in the United States of America, it is not necessarily happening that way in other parts of the planet. After years of collecting and comparing data from all over the world, scientists found that things are indeed different elsewhere. In one recent example, it was discovered that while the US has been experiencing record low temperatures and even snow in southern states like Georgia and South Carolina, other countries, like Australia, are experiencing record highs. Despite several “think tanks” like Sarah Palin suggesting that the cold our continent is experiencing is proof that Global Warming is a hoax, the people in the southern hemisphere suffering through triple-digit heat and wildfires might suggest that the “climate” is experiencing some kind of “change” which might have far reaching effects other than everything heating evenly. The data also seems to indicate that just because America is cold, that other parts of the world might have different weather.

In fact, the powerful typhoon that hit the Philippines just last year and the increased intensity and frequency of storms and fires around the planet have pointed towards an overall shift in weather patterns and generalized heating the world over, which contradicts the “It’s cold as fuck in Texas right now, so the world must not be heating up” evidence that has gripped much of the conservative portion of the American population. In fact, the study suggests that actual science paints a very different picture than the “my observation today negates decades of evidence” method used by many Americans.

One of the scientists responsible for the study stated “weird as it may seem, smug self assurance seems to lose to actual proof every time. We’ve tested and peer reviewed the evidence hundreds of times, and every time it turns out that ‘common sense’ loses to ‘reality’ every time. Despite our attempts to force ‘It’s -20 in Montana, global warming is a myth’ the models still showed that Australia was on fire, the seas are warming and rising, and California is experiencing its worst drought in history. We even included the ‘Satan is torturing the homos’ variable and it STILL came out that the world is getting warmer, despite most of middle and north America’s shitty shitty weather.”

While the findings are fascinating, it appears that many Americans still seem convinced that their own convictions are more prudent than information collected using the scientific method and also assume that any issues Australia are experiencing is just the earth/God finally trying to rid the world of the island continent’s terrifying native fauna.

Study Finds Women’s Bodies Are The Cause Of Harassment


A new study conducted by the Heartland Institute and the Centers For Misandry Studies concluded that the reason men stare, touch and generally don’t show respect to women is that their sexy, sexy bodies cause them to be seen as sex objects rather than people. They observed that while men are around other men, no harassment occurs, but when presented with a woman, ogling, groping and a general lack of respect for personal space and proper decorum were displayed.

Setting rarely made a difference, with the constant only being the inclusion of a woman not completely covered in a burqa. Results were only intensified when women with more traditionally “attractive” features were introduced. Similar tests were performed in heavily monitored online environments, which included but were not limited to, forums, chatrooms and online games. The instant players were made aware of a woman’s presence, the conversations inevitably spiralled out of control with requests for “tits or GTFO” becoming commonplace.

The mere presence of a woman was found to induce a state of repressed impulse control in the men studied. It was determined that it was not a pheromone, but “something else” since it affected men whether they were in the same room or online. Whatever it is, women cause an increase in hormonal flow in men that forces them to act less rational. “Maybe because women are inherently irrational, and that is contagious. Like a crazy-chick virus.” Suggested several scientists.

One CFMS doctor stated “women know guys like women and their bodies. If they didn’t, we wouldn’t have barely clad women on magazines or pornographic movies. They like the power this gives them. It’s a fact, women are the most powerful force in the world. Porn movies are a particularly interesting window into a woman’s mind. Look at how much they love seducing us with their genitals.”

He continued: “Our studies found that if women wanted to be treated with more respect and as equals, they would do everything in their power to hide their alluring lady bits and stop performing in pornography and other media that forces men to objectify their bodies. Maybe if THEY made a point to not look so different, we could control the part of our brain that makes us look and touch without permission.” While some argue that the male-domination of societies stretching back thousands of years might be responsible for the preponderance of men expecting women to simply perform as they wish and appear as beautiful as possible because that same society tells women they are worthless unless they are physically attractive, the doctors countered with “Bullshit. Women aren’t forced to do anything. Plus, they get the kids in divorces. What’s up with that? It’s so unfair.”

The study concluded that while it might make sense to perhaps teach men to respect women’s boundaries as human beings, it was just easier if women covered themselves and left more to the imagination so that men would be able to better resist the induced hormonal surge women were causing.

Science Goes Ahead and Disproves Santa Once And For All


Scientists, finally tiring of the yearly requests to drum up bullshit “theories” to explain things like Santa’s ability to squeeze down a chimney to the ability of reindeer to fly put out a report this year aimed at the kids titled “Santa could not possibly exist, and here’s why. [God Damn It]” The text was the combined effort of several universities and renown laboratories around the world and covered every possible aspect of the legend of Santa Claus, ruling all of it “contrived, inconsistent garbage that’s probably fuelling a lot of the stupidity we see in modern children.”

The text had contributions from every discipline of science, from physics (How A Sleigh Is Less Aerodynamic Than A Turd) to biology (Deer Flight; Why It Wouldn’t Work And Why You Wouldn’t Want It To. Appendix on sky-turds attached.) Even NORAD contributed, saying their “we’re tracking Santa” shtick had gotten old and they were more interested in doing their actual job on Christmas even and not pretending to track a fat guy in a flying snow vehicle. “If he was actually going fast enough to go to every house on earth, we wouldn’t be able to catch up with him, let alone track him, duh.” Said one official.

The scientific community breathed a collective sigh of relief. “The greatest Christmas present this year is one we gave ourselves, the gift of not having to swallow our collective bile and lie to a bunch of snot nosed kids about a magic fat elf. Instead of just saying ‘Christmas cheer’ and ‘quit asking questions, he’s Santa, it’s fucking magic’ like our parents did, kids decided they wanted to be sophisticated and ask a bunch of questions, and use the scientific method. Well, congratulations you little shit heads, you got what you wanted. Science answers questions with cold, sometimes hard facts. This time it bit you nosy little fuckers in the ass, didn’t it?”

When Professor Hawking was asked why he was so bitter, he just glanced down at his chair and rolled away.

Jane Goodall weighed in after the rest of her colleagues by saying “If they insist on asking these kinds of questions after this, we can still ruin the Easter Bunny and Tooth fairy for them. They have been warned.”

People Who Give Lame Halloween Treats Objectively Awful

imageA study in behavioral psychology released today confirms what many of us have believed for years; people who give out change, toothpaste or fruit on Halloween are objectively awful people. In a study spanning North and South America and Western Europe, the University of Bonn and Harvard collaborated on a 5 year survey of people who give out dental equipment, loose change and fruit on Halloween and discovered that to a one, they are terrible humans.

"There is a wide variety of bad at work here, but they were consistently more shitty than the average person, we found." Said the head of the experiment, Harvard’s Wilhelm Hitler. The study found that the people fell into different categories depending on what they gave out. People who gave out change tended to be old and bitter, usually surrounded by cats and photos of long lost children. They were the saddest of those studied, as they were not outwardly awful, but projected an aura of pathetic loneliness that bummed trick-or-treaters out. One participant in the study, 8 year old Heather Naples reported "She smelled like ammonia but was nice. She smiled when she dropped eight cents into my bag and mom made me say ‘Thank you’ even though I was really let down by the shitty ‘treat’. I got sad later when I found the 3 pennies and nickel in my bag. It reminded me of how sad she seemed. I will probably throw them into the wishing well and wish that she has a stroke by next year. Then I won’t have to feel this way again." It was also pointed out that it takes a special kind of clueless prick to put one of the dirtiest things in the modern world (money) into a bag filled with food.

Conversely, people who gave out toothpaste, tooth brushes or packs of floss were “stuck up, self righteous dicks” the study concluded. Without fail they were either dentists or asshole teachers who expected kids to be grateful for the alternative to gum disease and the reminder that everything fun has consequences. “These were the kind of people who think a single uncarved pumpkin is adequate Halloween decoration, and typically wear a sweater with a collared button-down shirt around the house.” Other people that handed out tooth-cleaning equipment included librarians who glare at people who sneeze and grocery store managers that treat their job like they are responsible for defeating world hunger. “The data shows a sea of smug, self-affirming assholes in this column.”

The final group, the fruit givers (or in some case, snack-packs of baby carrots) tended to be a blend of the two previous, combining completely clueless hippy idiots giving out “nature’s candy” and smug dicks who think kids are too fat these days. “Studying the recordings of many of these people saying ‘Happy Halloween’ revealed a layer of sarcasm that implied that they knew what they were handing out was bullshit no one wanted, and that it was done out of hidden spite.” It was also pointed out that fruit is likely the easiest thing to slip razor blades or poison into, so in the words of the head of the Bonn leg of the study, “Double-fuck fruit.”

The most highly recommended way of dealing with these people was making sure you remember what house they were and siply avoiding it at all costs, regardless of the time of year. “It’s not just Halloween that these people suck. We’ve found that during the other 364 days of the year, they follow the same annoying patterns of cluelessness or arrogant prickishness.”

Conversely, the study also showed that people who handed out full sized, or even king-sized candy bars were much more likely to be the kind of people you’d want to hang out with. “To a one, they seemed to be pretty cool, generous and easy to talk to.”

Phase two of the experiment will be a free smartphone app that will identify the houses of shitty treat givers so they can be avoided/egged.

Professor Hitler also commented on a recent new category; the note giver. “This bitch is like the Halloween treat version of MRSA; a more intensely shitty version of something that is already awful.” he said referring to the Fargo woman who declared she’d be giving out notes aimed at preventing obesity. “For a lot of kids, this is the only crap food they get all year. Quit being such a fucking buzkill.”

97% Of Climatologists Reveal Truth About Global Warming


In a surprise statement this morning, 97% of all climate scientists and an additional group of hundreds of other scientists from other disciplines admitted that anthropogenic global warming was just a joke. “Gotcha!” shouted several climatologists at once, followed by loud general laughter from the scientific community.

"Can you believe we managed to keep this up for 30 years? We came so close to cracking so many times. In fact, last year when people were blaming hurricane Sandy on climate change, 30% of us almost spilled the beans." Mentioned noted climate scientist Michael E. Mann. "It wasn’t easy, keeping a straight face through all of this. I almost lost it when the ‘deniers’ started making all those accusations about me. But yeah, we were kidding. Can you imagine? puny little humans making the earth get warmer? Pssssh!"

The announcement was vindication for informed champions of the people in the oil industry. The Koch brothers, famous for trying to expose the hoax were reportedly seen crying happily in a brotherly embrace whispering “We won… Goodness finally won…” The Heartland Institute was quoted saying smugly “Told ya.”

The drafters of the Kyoto Protocol could barely contain their giggles in a press conference held shortly after the announcement. “Of course it was a joke. We can’t believe so many fell for it! What possible gain would the oil and coal companies have in denying their industry was responsible for destroying the environment and causing irreversible damage to the polar regions and seas? Protecting billions of dollars in profits at the expense of future generations? Not big business. Not in this world.”

They further added “You can see why we would lie, though. Despite not profiting in any way from the idea that the climate is changing, with everything to lose including our credibility if we were lying about climate change and literally nothing to gain if we are right, it still should have been pretty clear we were full of shit. I mean, come on. The climate was different during the Ice Age tens of thousands of years ago, why is it so weird to think that the meteoric rise in global temperature is the result of, oh I don’t know, the sun getting warmer for some reason. Just spitballing here. We’re scientists, we’re not as big on facts as big industry.”

All parties involved are expected to sign an apology and help detail ways that silly, unnecessary technologies like solar panels and hybrid cars can be phased out for more powerful, larger diesel and coal power.

"If you think that was funny, wait until next week when we make our announcement about evolution." Said noted evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. "Let’s just say 6,000 years is a more important number than you’d believe, and I’ve been hiding an ancient dino-saddle in my garage for years."

Heartland Institute Releases Eco-Friendly Video-Game


The conservative think tank The Heartland Institute has decided to use the left-wing idea of selling ideology through entertainment and has developed a video game in the vein of the old Ecco the Dolphin game released in the 90s for the Sega Genesis. The game follows the exploits of Petro the Porpoise as he winds his way through rivers, lakes and the sea, teaching kids about the many wonders mankind has created for nature.

The 16 bit game features locales and adventures like hooking up an oil drill that was disconnected by eco-terrorists and helping a barge of Hemi engines get delivered so that the economy can continue to run smoothly. Kids can even lend a hand pulling a gill-net to catch thousands of fish to fuel the world’s endangered fishing industry.

Some of the Institute’s greatest minds helped conceive the game, including the Donald Trump and the Koch Brothers. In one level, Petro must stop terrorists from destroying the only copy of President Obama’s real birth certificate from Kenya. In another, the amazing mutations and other adaptations that strengthen the Gulf Of Mexico’s native species caused by the BP oil spill are explored. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” One developer we interviewed stated. “Those mutated crabs and fish are now more adapted to a life where more oil is found in the ocean. It’s like God is modifying the world to suit our needs.”

The game also showcases how mankind has no impact on the global climate by showing just how much .04% of anything is insignificant with a game that requires the kids to find a single pixel that is .04% of the entire screen. “That’s how much CO2 the Mainstream Science Machine says is in the atmosphere and causing ‘Global Warming.’ With this game, we give kids the opportunity to see just how pathetically, frustratingly small that is.”

The game also details how Climate Change isn’t happening, but also how if it was, it is caused by the sun and definitely not humans. It also shows how much happier Petro would be in a world with deeper oceans, more coastline and saltier rivers. “Petro will hopefully capture the hearts, and especially the minds of America’s children. It will show them there is nothing to worry about right now. Let future generations figure out if carbon emissions and oil fires are bad. Now is all about having fun and making profits.”

FBI Researchers Discover Root Of All Crime: Victims


After years of studying crime statistics, researchers for the FBI in Arlington Virginia discovered, conclusively, that all crimes are in fact the fault of the victims. Using detailed files kept from famous sources like Elliot Ness and J. Edna Hoover, the team of six scientists and four agents uncovered a startling pattern; every crime with a victim was predicated by the involvement of said victim.

The study focused mainly on kidnapping and violent crime, but the results were “startling and conclusive.” Special Agent Clarence Starling said at the press conference where the team announced their findings “In every case we looked at, the victim was clearly at fault. Every murder victim, had they not been at the scene of the crime, would likely have survived the incident. Likewise, robbery, kidnapping, muggings and assault all had the same common thread: The victims.”

When asked how crimes of this nature can bet prevented in the future, one of the researchers said “Simple; keep the victims away from the criminals. Maybe, if potential victims were kept in a facility where they were monitored 24/7, and only allowed out of their individual living chamber for meals and exercise, we would see a dramatic decline in the number of them that get stabbed, shot, beaten, robbed or stolen from.”

The findings have already led to several city council members in San Francisco to consider possibly converting the old Alcatraz prison into a new “Victim Protection and Containment Facility” where they could be separated from the potential criminals of the world and possibly effectively ending crime in the bay area. “We’re excited about what this could mean for the future.” said Agent Starling. “Imagine a world where there is no crime, because criminals don’t have access to the people whose lives they would ruin or end. They would be forced to wander the streets aimlessly while the innocents were protected in bubbles of five by ten foot concrete safety. I want to live in that world.”

Scientists Discover Cure For All Cancer!


Doctor Hugo Brockton of Harvard Medical School announced in a paper published in the latest issue of Nature that he had discovered a means of targeting and killing cancer cells anywhere inside a human body, long before they grew into a tumor. The procedure, which Brockton described as “revolutionary”, involves thousands of nano machines injected into the patient. They then “sniff out” the cancer and stab the individual cells to death with nanoscale “swords.”

Dr Brockton said he’d been working on the minuscule surgeons for years, having finally perfected their manufacture using the latest 3D printing technology and virtual reality programs to design them. He recently switched from testing on rats to a human volunteer who he said had pancreatic, breast, and heart cancer. After an hour of the bots working, the patient was in full remission, without a single detectable cancer cell in his body.

Dr. Brockton had kept out of the public eye for the first few days following the release of the Nature article, but SciTechGadget was able to catch him walking between buildings at Harvard and ask him “Is this really real? Have you successfully cured the plague of modern civilization.”

Dr Brockton snickered and said “No, just kidding! But can you imagine?” and ran off laughing.

Milky Way’s Most Earth-Like Planet Discovered In Star’s Habitable Zone

imageAstronomers discovered the most Earth-like planet to date last week while studying results from NASA’s Kepler satellite. “We’ve been poring over the data for months, looking for signs of a habitable planet, when we realized it was right under our noses all along. It’s Earth.”

The announcement sent shockwaves through the scientific community. “I can’t believe we were standing on it this time, looking outward toward the stars when in reality our entire space program had failed to look back and notice that we were on by far the most habitable planet yet discovered.” One astrophysicist commented.

When asked how this discovery had gone without notice for so long, a noted planetary expert threw up his hands and shrugged. “I guess it’s like that Poe story The Purloined Letter. It was just hidden in plain sight. Only instead of a letter, it was a planet.”

An English member of the team noted that “This wouldn’t have happened if we had to convert between Imperial and metric units. I blame the Yanks for holding on to that ridiculous British claptrap.” It was also discovered that in addition to being the most Earth-like of planets, our home could also be home to life forms.

As one SETI engineer put it, “This is fucking embarrassing.” The scientist, who wished to remain nameless, pressed his hands against his temples muttering “It’s not like we can point radio telescopes down for Christ’s sake.”

What’s the next step, now that we’ve confirmed Earth’s existence and ideal position? “A manned flight is the most obvious answer.” Said a Space-X representative that was at the meeting. “And we’ll be happy to lend our Dragon rockets to the effort.”

Plans to reach the newly discovered planet are currently underway, and may see a launch date as soon as 2030.