Milky Way’s Most Earth-Like Planet Discovered In Star’s Habitable Zone
Astronomers discovered the most Earth-like planet to date last week while studying results from NASA’s Kepler satellite. “We’ve been poring over the data for months, looking for signs of a habitable planet, when we realized it was right under our noses all along. It’s Earth.”
The announcement sent shockwaves through the scientific community. “I can’t believe we were standing on it this time, looking outward toward the stars when in reality our entire space program had failed to look back and notice that we were on by far the most habitable planet yet discovered.” One astrophysicist commented.
When asked how this discovery had gone without notice for so long, a noted planetary expert threw up his hands and shrugged. “I guess it’s like that Poe story The Purloined Letter. It was just hidden in plain sight. Only instead of a letter, it was a planet.”
An English member of the team noted that “This wouldn’t have happened if we had to convert between Imperial and metric units. I blame the Yanks for holding on to that ridiculous British claptrap.” It was also discovered that in addition to being the most Earth-like of planets, our home could also be home to life forms.
As one SETI engineer put it, “This is fucking embarrassing.” The scientist, who wished to remain nameless, pressed his hands against his temples muttering “It’s not like we can point radio telescopes down for Christ’s sake.”
What’s the next step, now that we’ve confirmed Earth’s existence and ideal position? “A manned flight is the most obvious answer.” Said a Space-X representative that was at the meeting. “And we’ll be happy to lend our Dragon rockets to the effort.”
Plans to reach the newly discovered planet are currently underway, and may see a launch date as soon as 2030.
Topless Images On Google Earth No Longer Accidental
A recent study shows that the multitude of Google Earth shots showing women sunbathing topless has recently experienced a paradigm shift; no longer are women hoping to avoid tan-lines being caught unawares by satellites speeding overhead. Rather, the study found that modest womenhave started using tanning beds, and only attenion seeking skanks still use roof tops to bring their lady bits to a warm copper.
“I used to go onto my roof on a clear day and work on my tan, usually topless because I had the top floor apartment and there are no air ports nearby.” One woman SciTechGadget interviewed said. “It hadn’t occurred to me that Google might snap pictures of me from a hundred miles up and then work them into their software where my neighbors could possibly find them and abuse themselves to my nakedness.” The 85 year old Helen Thomas stated.
Conversely, Kaitlin Jacobs, a college student majoring in liberal arts said “The human form is a beautiful thing, and I’m more than a little excited that our bodies can be seen from space. I have started sunbathing nude just in case. You never know when an executive for a modeling agency could be skimming Google Earth for the next big thing.”
The 26 year old Acting/Woman’s Studies major then added “I think if he sees my awesome rack, he may try to contact me, and he’ll have my location.” Kaitlyn is hoping the new technology will help boost her career since her current (3rd) attempt at earning her Associates degree is going about as well as the last 3 attempts.
When reached for comment, a Google spokesperson just shook his head and sighed. “The sheer volume of data and images collected for the Google Earth project precludes us from filtering out shots where women happen to be sunbathing, although we do strive to keep people out of the close-up images.” After a shrug he said helplessly “Skanks and attention whores use out image search engine to give guys whack off material, and this is just another example of how the information age is making it easier for these women to express their daddy issues in the worst possible way.”
“It’s a shame, really, that things are working out this way.” The spokesman added. “These young women will render areas of our product inappropriate for young people who might benefit from the universal view of our planet our software provides. All because they need attention.”
“And the next update doesn’t include any shots of Ms. Thomas, so I might have to skip it.” He added.
Physicists In Minnesota Excited Higgs Boson Discovered 2 Months Ago
Thanks to a newly installed DSL network, researchers at Glenn’s Physics University and Jerky Shop were delighted today when they finally heard that the Higgs Boson had been tentatively announced.
“That was a great day for Science!” Said Dr. Glenn Jacklink. After minutes of waiting for the entire Phys.org article to finish downloading, whoops and hollers arose among the lab equipment and stands of dried, spiced meat when the announcement made 2 months ago was read aloud.
Glenn’s, located minutes from the Canadian border, had finally gotten a working DSL connection after years of petitioning for the correct equipment to be installed. once the new router was in place, and after several calls of the course of 5 days to tech support, the first bits of data from the Internet trickled into the university/country store, much to the delight of Glenn’s student/faculty.
Senior/assistant professor, Reggie Jacklink went on record saying “It was great to bear witness to such an amazing and profound discovery. Finally.” While they had heard from the evening news that the “God particle” had been discovered months before, they had considered Jim, their local newsman, unreliable since he’d skewed election results and claimed Bush had won the 2008 general election.
“This day had gone down in history, and who knows what other discoveries have been made since then.” Said Glenn, tears of joy filling his eyes. “With this DSL connection, we should be able to keep up with the current achievements in science. or at least within a day or two.”
Reggie mentioned he hoped they would get a cable internet connection in the next several years since DSL was not “fast enough for titty movies.”
New Theory Explains Where “Dark Energy” Comes From
A group of scientists studying dark energy and its influence on our expanding universe stumbled over a startling correlation this past Tuesday; the amount of dark energy near Earth has been steadily increasing, at a linear rate, since the invention of the clothes dryer. The team lead was astonished when they found that “The amount of dark energy, based on our computer models, grows steadily through time as the number of socks on our planet have disappeared after being placed in the dryer.”
The amazing finding may have unlocked the twin mysteries of cosmic expansion, and what happens to your other fucking red sock after watching it go into the dryer, but never coming back out. “This news has far reaching implications.” One scientist said. “If the universe is expanding, and missing socks fuel the increase in dark energy, then how many cosmic civilizations are there, and do they share our appliance/sock dynamic that fuels our own dark energy increase? It’s bogglingly huge in scale.” Based on their calculations, the Andromeda galaxy likely harbors a race of 1000 foot tall giants with socks the size of trees and dryers that would eclipse even our largest aircraft carriers.
“It’s truly humbling to see that we may not be alone in the universe, and that other races might have developed drying technologies more sophisticated than our own. Also, that theirs also convert their footwear into exotic energies.”
When asked how something as low tech as a household dryer could accomplish this seemingly impossible feat, the response was “We’re not sure. Einstein’s E = MC2 equations shows that matter can be converted into energy and vice-versa. What’s to say there is not something inside the dryer causing the matter of the socks to convert directly into dark energy? Since dark energy doesn’t directly interact with normal matter, we would never see the explosion or whatever.”
“Plus, it’s just a theory…” He stated. “Quit busting my balls.”
The team, who wish to remain anonymous until their data can be peer reviewed is confident that their Sock-To-Universal-Acceleration theory will become mainstream in the near future, and already have a shelf set aside for their Nobel prizes.
“Sock-based cosmic expansion may soon be more than a simple theory. Who knows, maybe the Big Bang itself was the result of a dryer and sock in another universe. Maybe Maytag is God.”
Planet “Kolob” Verified by Kepler
Scientists working with NASA’s Kepler planet-finding satellite announced today that they had discovered empiric proof that the planet “nearest to the throne of God” mentioned in the crazy-ass Book of Mormon (the book, not the musical) is a real place, therefore proving God exists, and also proving the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith Jr was actually right, and not a fucking liar as once was believed.
Scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Lab were quoted as saying “Huh… No shit. That’s just fucking crazy.” Evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins was asked to weigh on on the finding, given his public decrying of the Mormon religion and Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney. His response was a muttered “Well, fuck me….” angrily muttered under his breath.
Former Governor Romney held a press conference to capitalize on the new finding, given that he is a Mormon bishop to explain how he thinks this will affect his ability to be the most powerful man in the United States. “I think this goes to show you, if I’m right about this, I must be right about everything else.” He went on to say “Has the President embraced a religion that correctly predicted the presence of a divine planet based on the second-hand writings of a man reading a tablet in a hat through a rock? No? Then how can he fix America’s financial crisis!?”
Popular cosmologist and promoter of science Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson stated that “Kepler must have suffered some damage or some shit, because there is no godamn way that shit’s real.”
JPL scientists are re-running the data again, but have concluded “That weird shit in Utah’s polygamy book is apparently real, and holy shit, I guess we need to stop drinking caffeine and booze.”
Asteroid Mining Could Help Director Realize Dream
Tuesday an exciting announcement was made by the new, Seattle-based company Planetary Resources that they would be looking to mine resources rare on Earth, like water, from nearby asteroids, bringing as much as a trillion dollars to the global GDP once they are up and running.
Members of the group investing in the company include two prominent members of Google, and a famous Hollywood director. While Jim Cameron is investing in the company, another famous director has high hopes for the new venture; Micheal Bay.
“When I heard about this new company developing inexpensive space travel and the ability to mine and tow entire asteroids, I realized a vision of mine may one day become a reality.” Stated the veteran director of such movies as The Transformers and The Transformers 2. “I realized that I could bring the experience I showed in my movie Armageddon to the real people of Earth!”
Bay suggested that once the mining and towing operations were running efficiently, they could be harnessed to film actual movie scenes on an actual asteroid, which could be blown up for real with an actual nuclear weapon. “It would be the shit.” Bay shrieked excitedly. “All we would have to do is tow a massive asteroid toward the Earth and then blow it in half at the last second.”
After his initial disappointment at finding out that asteroids the size of the one in his movie do not exist, and muttering “Shit…” repeatedly, Bay brightened up and stated “Fuck it, we’ll build one out of smaller asteroids!” When questioned about how he would get the same explosions he is famous for in the vacuum of space, he replied “There’s no air? Oh, we’ll just use CGI then.” Ignoring the fact that none of the technology exists yet, Mr Bay walked off promising that the real life “Armageddon Experience” would be ready in a few years, after he released the next several Transformers movies and the TMNT reboot that is sure to piss off everyone.
World’s Hottest Substance Found in Lunch Product
Intern and lab assistant Chester Berger discovered on Sunday, April 15, that the hottest substance on Earth was contained inside a popular lunch product, and not the quark-gluon plasma as previously recorded.
The discovery was made by Dr. Patrick Harris when Chester removed a popular Hot Pocket® brand snack from the microwave and proceeded to take a bite before waiting the recommended one minute “cool down” period as instructed on the package. Dr Harris explained:
“When food is heated in a microwave oven, electromagnetic radiation in the form of microwaves is pumped from a magnetron through the food, exciting water, sugar and fat molecules, heating it. Intern Berger’s biting of the Pocket before it could cool down exposed its molten nuclear core to the air, which resulted in a massive combustion chain reaction.”
Dr Harris went on to explain that the sudden exposure to the air caused the plasma center of the Hot Pocket® to ignite the intern’s teeth, causing his head to immolate in seconds. While the quark-gluon soup temperature was recorded to be roughly 4 trillion degrees fahrenheit, readings showed Berger’s head was a roasting 4.9 trillion.
“It seems really irresponsible to sell a product that can attain such temperatures, but the manufacturer did include the ‘wait 1 minute to allow cooling’ instruction for a reason. Seriously, ‘read the fucking manual’ as we like to say.”
A wake service will be held next week for the late lab assistant, who was buried in a closed-casket service, and the microwave oven has been renamed the “Chaz Berger Memorial Hot Plate.” “Chaz would appreciate the gesture.” said a fellow intern. “He loved microwaveable food, and I think he would be happy to know his death contributed so much to science.”
Chester is survived by a stuffed cat and a gerbil named Misty.
Scientists really excited by some new quantum thing.
SciTechGadget learned through a second hand source today that scientists at CERN’s LHC, the Large Hardon Collider, discovered some new quantum thing, and that it’s really godamn exciting.
Our source mentioned some things like “Clark’s glue-on” plasma and something called Higg’s Bosom, but all we really took away from it was that some exciting shit had gone down, which may or may not have anything to do with time travel. Our source went on to say we couldn’t really understand how important this discovery was,quoting something from the Black Hole and Stephen “Hawk” King, so we were pretty scared shitless about what kind of horror science they are doing over in Europe.
When pressed for more information on the bosom, we unfortunately lost our connection and were left with a dial tone for the rest of the interview. Our editor thought he could hear the tune of “Funky Town” in the steady, pulsating tone, so yeah, something crazy is going on over in Sweden.
“Cave Bear” Painting in France proves Pun Lowest form of comedy
Scientists in France announced they have empiric proof that the pun is the lowest of all comedy. The painting, dating back to the late Pleistocene, depicts a “cave bear”, a bear-shaped cave.
Not only is this proof that our less developed cave-cousins practiced comedy, but it also shows what we have always known about old people; their sense of humor is terrible. Archaeologist Piquant Fromage stated that the artist appeared to have used a mix of ashes from their fire-pit and caribou dung to make the painting, which was simplistic even by Neanderthal standards.
“We ‘ad been working on what the painting represented for weeks when Professor Aubergine exclaimed ‘Oh, I get it! That’s stupid.’ Everyone groaned. It was really disappointing, all of that build up to a stupid pun.” Dr. Fromage said in an interview with Reuters on Friday.
They did, however also discover some promising news nearby; Evidence shows that the Neanderthal had shown his “joke” to others, likely Cro-Magnon man, based on the foot prints found in the cave, who clearly had developed a more sophisticated sense of humor. The artist was found nearby with his head caved in and evidence that he had been urinated on.
“I could not have put it better myself.” Prof Aubergine stated. “The Neanderthal’s ‘orrible sense of ‘umor likely lead to its downfall. It would be many tousands of years before the sophisticated and nuanced ‘umor of Jerry Lewis.”
The team of students that had been excavating the site packed up and left later that day in disgust, while Aubergine himself was found to have once again urinated on the dead cartoonist’s remains. “I think it echoes a message that has resonated through time, from our Cro-Magnon ancestors to now; fuck puns and the people who make them.”
New Anti-Gas Metamaterial Could Spell Stink-Free Future for Bean Lovers
Fans of legumes and spicy food the world over can breathe a collective sigh of relief after a discovery reported today out of the University of Zurich’s Advanced Material’s Laboratory. Dr Heinz Siegasfrei announced that they had made a quantum leap forward in developing a material capable of redirecting escaped flatulence and making them silent but not deadly, as previous versions of pants often rendered them.
The discovery came after months of research to develop novel materials that would be “invisible” to the microwave band of radiation. They would then produce pants out of the material, thereby protecting a man’s softer bits from damage caused by microwave ovens and airport security. Dr Siegasfrei stated that the discovery was a “happy accident”, and that the material could potentially change the face of cuisine, since it would allow people who normally avoided certain foods because of embarrassing odors to freely dine on re-fried beans or Burger King without fear that the powerful blasts of methane from their rectums would be heard or smelled.
“This is an important discovery in our part of the world” The good doctor pointed out, citing Switzerland and the nearby countries of Germany and Austria as having sauerkraut and sausage-based diets that, as he put it, “can get quite rank.” He and his colleagues pointed out that they are not the first scientists to accidentally stumble onto great new substances, mentioning the creations of vulcanized rubber and silly putty as examples.
“We think letting people fart whenever and wherever they need to will help society in general.” He mused. “We imagine Hitler would have been a lot less angry had he been able to let one rip without fear of reprisal.”